Casale vs Dae Han Taekwondo

The back story: Some people and I hired the Dae Han Taekwondo gym because they had ground mats that we could use to train MMA. We trained there about 12 times, each time every person paid $5 to the gym.

The day after our second-to-last training session, I got a frantic phone call from a frenzied Brian Lim (owner of the gym). He told us that a child (most likely the child of one of the females who trained with us) had drawn all over his desk in blue ballpoint pen. I apologised and offered to go there the next morning to clean it all off.

Strangely, Brian refused our offer to clean it. Then I didn't hear about it again for about 6 months, when I got a sudden flurry of angry phonecalls in the middle of the night, followed by an email from Brian, who was furiously demanding I return their gym key (which I had attempted to return several times to find the gym closed) and pay $150 for the cost to clean the desk. Estimated time, 5-10 minutes.

So I decided to wind him up.

Here is the transcript so far:

Mr. Peter Casale

This is regarding for returning our gym key and payment of damaging reception area.

We have made agreement verbally end of last year. That was using our gym training area and toilet only. One of your member child got into unpermitted area which is reception area. He left marks on the desk/wall and untidiness. I sent you all pictures and got conformation from you that the member of your class will pay for all damage. After all you didn’t turn up for returning our gym key and you didn’t give me any notice.

So, I’m asking you to returning key by 21.08.10 and $150.00 for repairing our damage for reception area. This is my bank detail 12-3059-XXXXXXX-01 or send me a cheque to 6 The Rise, Gulf-harbour / post code 0930.

You must return our gym key tomorrow before 11:00am Otherwise we will replace our lock and we will send you bill. The payment must be shown within next two weeks. It’ll be sent to Debt Collection Company and they will contact with you.

Best regards

Master LIM/KIM

WTF 4th/5th DAN

Dear Mr and Mrs Lim/Kim,

Thank you for your email, as you can see I have returned the key. Now you won't have to change your locks! Don't worry, I definitely did not make a copy of the key, and I definitely am not a thief so your gym is completely safe.

I am also pleasantly surprised to hear that after refusing our offer to clean the blue biro-drawn stick figures off your reception desk, you have done the work yourself at the generous fee of just $150. This is most reasonable. However, we do not have that kind of money. I would like to offer a Haiku poem as alternative payment. This Haiku poem is about the lessons I learned today.

Cleaning is not cheap
Ballpoint pens make stubborn mess
It takes so long to clean

Thanks and best regards,

Master PETE
HUMAN

Hello Pete

Thank you for your response to my initial email.

I am shocked to think that you genuinely believe that the matter of $150 cost to fix the drawing from the reception desk can be fixed by a mere haiku poem.

This email serves as a formal notice to pay the sum of $150 repair fee by 4th of September or this will be passed on to a debt collection agency.

I hope to hear back from you as soon as possible, preferably to notify me that the payment has been made.

Regards

Master Lim/Kim

Dear Brian,

Can I call you Brian?

I apologise for my last email, you know that English is not my native language. Please allow me to clarify!

I understand that you are inconvenienced by the cleaning of your reception desk, on which a child of one of my friends drew stick-figures with a blue ballpoint pen. When you called me to notify me of this, I was shocked and immediately offered to come and clean the desk. Naturally, you chose to decline this offer and clean it yourself. However because we did not have the freedom to choose whether to clean it ourselves or hire you to clean it for us, we should at least have the freedom to choose our method of payment.

You have suggested $150 in cash as reasonable payment for your time cleaning the desk. As mentioned in my last email, I would like to arrange an alternative payment. I hope this clarifies things!

I did write you a nice Haiku poem, which you clearly did not like. I am sorry about this - what was I thinking? I am not a professional Haiku writer so I was foolish to think I could write a good Haiku poem, let alone one worth $150. Sorry again for this mistake.

I am, however, a professional logo designer, so I thought I could make you a nice new logo. Usually I charge $450 for this but for you I will make it $150 to call it even. Please see the attached concept design. I believe your logo needs a lot more excitement, to represent the
excitement of your sport. I'm sure you'll agree the new look is terrifyingly exciting! Confirm this and I will send you the high-resolution image for your new logo.

I trust this is an end to the matter, and I wish you the best in future.

Best regards,
Master Pete

Hi! Peter.

I'm returning your logo. I don't need it.

Do you know, reason why I want to get paid from you.

I really don't know how do you think about my gym and TAEKWONDO. You show me disrespect and shameless. So, whatever I take, I will finish this matter.

You don't want to pay $150 for repairing my reception area. So, I offer you to come and clean our gym and you accept it. It doesn't need to be you. But you have to tell me who going to be coming to my gym.

Because, I don't want any wanker. I spent to repair my reception area for 5 hours.

I think, cleaning has to be done more than twice to clear off this time. You can arrange the cleaner & time, let me know. I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

The arrangement must be within two weeks.(Because, I will go for holiday.) If you have any problem, send me an e-mail.

Have a good day!!

Regards

Brian LIM

Dear Brian,

I am slightly confused by your email. I thought we were on good terms? I'm very sorry about all the shameless I have shown you. I have 100% respect for WTF taekwondo. Any martial art that involves kicking people in the groin while screaming is fine in my book!

I am delighted by your offer for me to clean your gym (twice) instead of pay $150. This is marvellous. As soon as I got your email, I started looking at my contact list to see who I could ask to clean your gym. I do understand that you don't want any wanker to clean your gym.

That is when I fell into a problem. Let me explain with a venn diagram.

As you can see, there is no intersection for people who meet all of your criteria for cleaning your gym. What if we ignored the criteria for people who are wankers? Unfortunately, this means that you would get a wanker cleaning your gym (twice).

The other alternative is to find someone who I don't know to clean your gym, but that is going to be difficult for me to find, because as I'm sure you're aware, I don't know them.

I'm very sorry about this, it seems that everyone I know is a wanker. In fact, most people I know responded quite rudely when I phoned them to ask if they were a wanker. My dad was most displeased, although he didn't deny it. I'm sure there are some people out there who have never wanked, but unfortunately I don't know anyone like that.

Please let me know what to do, I will do it.

Lots of love,

Master Pete

NOTE: While I was writing this reply (almost 2 weeks later)- Brian sent another email...

Hi! Peter.

I was waiting for your responding. As you said, i sent you e-mail. But, you didn't reply. So, i send you TAX INVOICE.(Check the attached file).

If you want to do other option instead of money that you told me. Send me an e-mail. 

Otherwise, the Debt Collection company  "BAYCOP" Will contact with you

Regards

Brain LIM

Dear Brian,

I am sorry for the delay! I am just going through my emails now, since my internet was down. I have now replied to your past email. Please check.

Please do not get BAYCOP onto us. To be honest, I did not know what BAYCOP was, so I did a google images search... It resulted in this picture:

I did not know this matter had become so serious. BAYCOP clearly doesn't mess around. I will be constantly looking over my shoulder every time I'm on the beach (assuming there are no small barriers that I can step over to block the path of his quad bike).

Please see my older email and let me know what I can do.

Thanks and best regards,
Master Pete

Sorry, The detail already sent to BAYCOP. (DEBT COLLECTION COMPANY).

If you really want to fix this problem. give me a call not a e-mail. Otherwise, everything will be same.

Call me 021-XXXX-XXX.

Have a beautiful day!

Regards

Master LIM   

Dear Brian,

Since this matter is already in the hands of BAYCOP (arguably the world's most feared one-man, quad bike-themed, beach-based debt collection company) I hope we can put the matter behind us and remain close friends, and perhaps more?

I am sorry for how this situation has turned out. If only you had accepted my offer to clean the desk instead of doing it yourself with the intent to charge me $150, none of this would have happened. Or perhaps it would have happened regardless? Neurosis works in mysterious ways, but I guess you know that already.

On the bright side, I have spoken to BAYCOP and he tells me that the rights to his movie are still available! I intend to pitch the screenplay to James Cameron as soon as it's written. I can just hear his words now: "What?!? A quad bike-bound enforcer of the council bylaws for beaches? That's almost too crazy!"

Who do you want to play you? This is the biggest dilemma. I was thinking either Dustin Hoffman or Salma Hayek. But then it struck me - only one man could truly play Brian Lim in the movie...

I think we're onto a winner. Naturally, you are entitled to 10% of the profits, up to a maximum limit of $149. A win-win situation!

Have a wonderful and fruity day!

Best regards

Master Pete

I doubt he will reply... if he does I'll update it.